I want to be a cowboy.

No, I'm not just quoting the vandals; I really do want to be a cowboy, although that's besides the point of this post. I just wanted to throw it in there for fun. And ya, there actually is a point to this post. Go me.

Somehow I found myself looking at old blogs again and after re-reading what I wrote last time, I decided that post needed to be moved down a notch to make way for a new update.

I am still confused. I think I always will be, as will the rest of the world... But I think now I at least understand. I won't go into details; they're long, and probably not as interesting as I'd like to think. However, I have gone through a lot this past little while, mostly emotionally and psychologically. I've changed in the past year in more ways than I can count, and I know I'll keep changing, because that's part of life. I've come to realize many things, and honestly I think I've grown up quite a bit. Life and I have a sort of secret understanding now.

Who knows when I'll write again; it's another one of life's mysteries.

Peace.

"I am a question to the world, Not an answer to be heard"

I have to pee.

***

Now that that's out of the way...

I am confused. Utterly and completely confused. The things I think about just don't piece together in my mind. They don't make sense. It's like I have a bunch of puzzle pieces, but I can't fit them together because all the pieces are from completely different puzzles. I think too much. About things... that I don't even know why I think about them. But I can't help it, because these things just come to me, and I can't do anything until I can figure out the answers. I know I never will, cuz these are just things no one knows, but I can't help it. I don't even know why exactly I'm writing this... just to try to put some of these pieces together in some way. If I see them all laid out in front of me maybe I can figure out a way these mismatched pieces can create some sort of picture for me.

Ok. So I've been thinking alot lately. About people, relationships... life in general. Alot of the same questions keep reoccurring. Questions I just can't answer. Questions I mull over night after night. Cliché, however the main question is... "What is the reason for our existance?" Everyone's pondered that one at least once. Why are we here? What's our point? To survive? To grow up, get a job, have kids, retire, etc. Ok, but then what? What's beyond that? What's the meaning behind all that? I guess what I'm getting at is... "why?" To everything. Why? If you say it enough it loses all meaning. The word just looks like a meaningless jumble of lines. Although that's the only meaning it's been having lately since there's no answer to that question. I don't want to sound cynical, or jaded, or depressed, because honestly I'm not any of those things. I'm just a curious individual looking for some answers. To understand life... and myself. To have a reason. A reason for something. A reason for anything.

- - -

And I want a moment to be real
Want to touch things I don't feel
Want to hold on and feel I belong
And how can the world want me to change?
They're the ones they stay the same
They don't know me'
Cause I'm not here

(For Paulie :))

Wow, it's been 4 months. I was reminded of this yesterday by Nat. It's been 4 months since I've written anything on this blog I used to write on almost everyday. It got me thinking about how different things are. Not much has actually changed, just my attitude. It feels like this was a different stage in my life. I just don't feel the same way about this blog. Not to say I'm closing the book on it, as others have done. I'll leave it open for future endeavours. Maybe I'll have things to add in the future. If not, at least this will be here to look back on and laugh at. Because that was the point of this blog. It was a place I could write my weird thoughts and antics. It wasn't meant to be a collection of boring entries about what I did everyday, nor was it meant to be in any way serious, although at times I think I slipped on that one (i.e this one, lol).
In any case, I guess I would call this a summary; not a conclusion. I'm leaving this open-ended. It might end at this and it might not, but in either case, this was a chapter in my life that is over. This blog will never be continued as it was.
I don't know, I felt like I needed to state that. As closure kind of, on my part. I don't want to say The Book is over... maybe more like To Be Continued...

Not intended, but socks can fulfill your reading pleasures.

I have this thing where I like matching everything but my socks. I know it sounds weird, but bear with me. I'm not a complete psycho when it comes to this, but obviously I'm not gunna wear things that look completely horrible together. Normally I never have a problem with this since all my clothes are black, but with recent purchases of red and other colours, I actually have to think about these things. In any case, the one things that never end up matching are my socks. I just don't care. I grab some socks, put'em on, and that's that. The thing is, my socks aren't normal black/white/solid colour socks. They have designs. Stripes, argyle, pigs... I have an obsession with weird socks. So when they don't match, they really don't match.

Ok my original post wasn't going to be about this, but I started getting dressed and this sort of formed in my mind, and since I had blogger open, this is what spilled out. And I have to go, so this is what you're left with for now. Deal.

I have stuff... It makes me happy although Grr's don't.

I just noticed that Nat grr'd me in my last 2 posts. What a bitch.










































Ok. I was going to leave that as my whole post but I decided Nat wasn't good enough to have a post solely about her. :O OH BURN!

Aha jokes Nat I love ya.

So ya, I woke up late today, so I'm up late tonight. And I was doing so well with the bedtime thing too. I was going to bed relatively early and waking up and decent times. Then I go and do something like this. Although I will be getting up early tomorrow. Which isn't very fun, but what must be done must be done. I can wear some of my new clothes that I bought on boxing day.
That's right! I went shopping on boxing day! Crazy I know. They've wanted me to go for 3 years, and the past 2 I've been deciding to sleep rather than shop. So this year I woke up, since I've been doing well with the decent hour'd sleeping thing, and I shopped. We all spent quite a bit of money. I know I spent the most, then I think it was Mark, then Tina, then Kl. I bought lots of clothes, and some movies. I don't think I have ever shopped so much in my life. It was crazy. I find it funny how I always shop and spend so much money when I'm with Mark and Tina (Tina mostly, but Mark also sometimes). It's either a gift or a curse; I'm not sure which. They're the reason I shop at all. I used to hate shopping. They made me appreciate buying stuff. I don't shop often; I'm not a shopaholic. I mean, I love buying stuff, but I can go for a long time without shopping. It's not a big deal to me. As Mark has taught me... I just love having something new. A new thing. It doesn't matter what it is. It's just owning something new. I know that sounds materialistic, and I guess it kind of is, but I don't think of myself as materialistic. That's the thing. I love material objects, but I don't need them. I could go without them. I just like having them. I'm sure everyone loves having stuff. Although we know we could go without that new dvd or t-shirt, isn't it nice to have it?
I must sound spoiled or something in this post, but it's really not what I mean. I'm trying to get a certain point across and I'm not sure if it's getting there. Gah. Oh well, I'm tired. It'll have to do for now.

Christmas moods; Warm feelings and the Grinch

Ok so I was in a more-than-normal good mood last post, which is why it's way too cheery and has some ideas that although I thought were ok at the time, upon reflection, are utter bullshit. Not saying I'm in a bad mood now, because I'm not. I'm in a normal mood. So my lack of excitement for Christmas isn't because of a bad mood. It's just in general, I'm not into the whole Christmas thing. I mean at times I can be, as seen in the previous post, but in general, I'm very meh about Christmas. Not to say I don't enjoy the presents, and overall feeling of christmas, but sometimes it's all way too much. It's weird, I have 2 opposite views on Christmas at the same time. I can see how great it can be, with just everyone being in a great mood, and seasons greetings and happy holidays and cookies and baking and presents and sharing time with family and all that. I truley do understand why Christmas can be such a great time. However, I can also be a scrooge and a grinch and all that, by seeing the bad side of it all. Christmas shopping is the worst, and to be honest, spending time with the family isn't all it's cracked up to be. Those constant christmas carols on the radio are extremely annoying, and the whole thing is so commercialized sometimes it's sickening. Christmas is such a controversal subject in my mind for a lot of reasons, some not listed here for, well, certain reasons :P. I mean, I do like being in the Christmas mood. I love the "warm feeling" and such, but I guess I'm just jaded.

There was a point in there somewhere... Good luck finding it!

I've been having trouble sleeping lately. I'm not sure why. I'm tired, but my body just doesn't seem to want to sleep. It's odd. Which is why I'm still up right now. I should be sleeping because I've been tired lately and I need to be up at 9. Oy. This actually leads me to my next topic; the reason I'm getting up at 9.

I found a really good way to make money. No no, not prostitution, although that does roll in the dough. It's called...

a job.

That's right folks. I, one of the most irresponsible and lazy people around, got a job. And I've been going too ;) I started last week, and it's pretty easy. The hours are good, the pay is good, the environment is good (I mean, I have my own desk :>), so in essence, the job is good. I got my first paycheck today. Woo! I should go on some sort of spending spree :). Hm, or maybe not, seeing as christmas is right around the corner. This year I can actually buy people things without digging a hole deeper into my pocket. I actually have a constant source of money. Woo! There are a lot of people I want to get presents for, even if it's just something small to show my appreciation for being a friend, etc. Corny? Of course... you can't have christmas without some corny christmas spirit! And yes, I'm being dragged along... well, half dragged, half trotting along trying not to get my face covered in mud. It's a mixed feeling thing. ;) Sometimes I have trouble getting into the whole christmas thing since it's so damn commercialized, but hell, sometimes you can't help but get caught up in the swirl of holiday madness. (However some things I'll never get into. Somehow I'll never get into christmas the way some people do) People act so different around christmas, and I can't help but go along with it sometimes. Like when I'm making phone calls at work. Sometimes I'll call people and they'll just be so sweet and nice, I can't help but smile and return the good mood. Unfortunately when I get rude people, I can't return THAT favour....
I just realized I was rambling. Oh well, It should make for an interesting blog post.